yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
