Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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