Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
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Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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