I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
