My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
