i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
