just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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