I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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