seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
