just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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