I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
