Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
