are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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