So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
