Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
