good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
