____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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