My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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