The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
