First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.