Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks