"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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