My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
