her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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