In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
