why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
