dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
