Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
