That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
