I smell stomach acid.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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