I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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