if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
