I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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