It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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