Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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