Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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