Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
