Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
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We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
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"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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