8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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