I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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