all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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