mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
