I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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