dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
