I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
