Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
