We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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