brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
