i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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