My friends, they love my intelligence
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
