I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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