I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
