Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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