hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
