South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
